A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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