I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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