i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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