Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
