Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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