I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
