Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish I only lived at night.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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