not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
