All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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