My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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