Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
