She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
