someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
