she kept yelling 'call me bella'
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
