while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
