happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
