The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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