The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
