dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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