saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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