Someone shit on the floor
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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