you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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