Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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