yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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