The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
