I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
