I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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