Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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