I faked an abortion last night.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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