I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We talked him into tasing himself.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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