best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My dad is sitting where you rode me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
