do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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