I showed him my bush... on skype.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It's shark week go big or go home
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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