it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
