had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
