I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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