I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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