You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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