I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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