you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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