Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I puked a lego.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
