At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
