Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
