mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
