Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
