fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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