just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
