I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Randomize
