clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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