Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
